Beauty

This is a poem I wrote some time ago, I had it on one of my poetry sites. I don't feel this way so much any more. I don't really know when , but I know a change in me came. Round about the time I started knitting, and quit the religion scene. I don't feel as hopeless, and unloveable now. I think alot of it has to do with letting go, letting go of thoughts other people put upon you, and the stigmas they put agianst you. Letting go of unlive-uppable standards given by mothers, husbands and most importantly Yourself. Beauty is a state of mind. I just thought I'd share it.



I see beauty all around me,

the smile of a child with an icecream, dancing in the sandy playgrounds

a bird on the water glistening in the sun, soaring high in the clouds

the veins of a blade of grass, or a flower blooming proudly

interior beauty of a kind man/woman opening the door

or helping put away groceries for an elderly person

a picture, a song, a book

why don't I see the beauty in myself,

I know I can be kind, beautiful inside,

Yet I cry, feel insignificant and unhelpful

wondering at night, did I do what is right

while I should be sleeping, looking forward to the next day

does my child see my admiration, have I shown her all my love

or remember my impatient outbursts, and forget the happy times?

the voices of the past telling me I am not good, am not smart

they cloud my judgement and my dreams, no matter what I do they laugh and taunt me

I am an outsider, the other moms stand away from me, as if they see my imperfections.

I try, perhaps not hard enough , to be their friend

yet alone I sit, at parties, recitals and games.

I think will my child do the same one day

or will she be better than me in my emotionally stunted friendships

only here physically apart do I find friends, I wonder why

do I exude some physical sign of abnormality, not in my face but manner?

like the caste less of ancient times

untouchable, odd ,unmistakably different

until I know for sure the cause and cure

I still have cookies to bake, rooms to clean,

Life goes on, full of tastes, smells and endless chores to keep me busy

until the night when I wonder again have I done enough

am I beautiful now? at least to those I love most.


copyright bitches.( but you can share it if you put it as mine)

bugs and marriage

I love Biology, it's something fun to read and learn about things like beetles who hide in termite mounds by using thier butts as disguse, or the infamous Cukoo bird, who imitates the baby of it's unfortunate new parents. Camouflage, pretending to be what you are not. I see this sometimes in the human world too. We are, after all just animals. the girl who pretends to like hockey since the boy she has an eye on likes it. The one who stuffs her bra, to seem more well endowed, why? to catch a man who doesn't like her for her and then be left miserable once she's bonded to him? And often men are guilty of this too, the old " loving the cooking, but tossing it to the dog when she's not looking " things. Why? Why lie, to a miserable means? Is it really all that bad to know what you want and persue it and not to settle for falsehood? For humans there are many options to explore and no one(usually ) is going to eat you if you aren't the right mate. In the animal kingdom there are the unfortunate souls who may even be eaten if they ARE the right one. I like the spider who sneaks up on its girl and tyes her down, to keep her from eating him. Only as soon as he's gone she wiggles right out of the fetters as easy as you please. very funny. SOmetimes us females play this card (no not the BDSM one:P) the poor helpless girl card to find a mate."oh, help me, I can't lift a screwdriver" leaping on the first mechanic or roofer guy who comes along and can tie his own shoes. Nevermind if he's not funny, drinks too much, or is allergic to your 10 dogs, by BOB( sorry I can't even say george anymore with out throwing up a little) he can DO stuff. Don't get me wrong. Im not saying anything bad about roofers or mech's, Love the trade. I'm just using them as an example that popped 1st into my head. I guess what I'm trying to say is Be YOU, do what makes YOU happy. Learn how to do minor repairs yourself, go ahead and take the car to a shop for an oil change, its' cheaper, but don't let princess syndrome become your weapon for finding a guy. I bet once you do things for yourself, and BE yourself, you will eventually find a guy who you like for himself and he will like you back. Then you can go make puppies somwhere, or have coffee, or whatever. And It will be worth the wait whether it's 10 day later or hell 10 yrs. Let go of the steryotype that if you're not married and pregnant by 30 that your life is *gasp* over. look at the red hatters, they are over 50 and living it up, why should you not? Harrison ford, He CERTAINLY isn't looking too shabby, rrow! And he's like 60ish. So live life , don't do drugs, or the mailman....unless you really like him.