Passion

It comes in many forms, subtle ones like a good latte, and more obsessive ones like the passion my father had for my mother.
He loved her alot, I know it because I heard it spoken much when I was little. He wrote it alot as well in the letter he sent her every time she ran away from him and the beatings. And allways with those letter I knew she would go back to him, Her passion for him burning just as strongly.We never stayed in One place for more than two years when I was with my parents. After leaving the Army my father could never stay in one job for long, and that often led to the biggest fights. Often they started over him going to a bar, of Not coming home all night. We used to wait up for him to come in. Piss drunk and stumbling up the stoop we'd stand at the door reall quiett and hold the locks so even if he got the right key INTO the lock it never opened. I thought it was a game.
Sometimes He would bring home flowers, those lily ones that look like ears of corn. They were their wedding flowers, and I thought it was romantic. It truly was a bribe against the brusies and such that had sent her to sleep in my bed the nights before. Sometimes when it was really bad, we'd leave him. Only to go back after one of those letters.
I never noticed most of the bad things that happened to my mother over the years, But I wish I had. Maybe it would have helped me understand her better. I wish I knew the father who came before the one I remember, maybe it would help me understand why she kept going back to him. Passion can be good, or bad. Perhaps that's where it crosses the line to adddiction, or obsession.
My mother was an addict, and my father was obsessed. ANd I forgive them. But I should never forget. Life is a process like a pattern on a pair of needles. An error can be a mistake that ruins a work, or turned into an integral part of a new, great work. I Am trying, to keep it as integral, and not let my past botch my life. I have moments like now when I want to reflect, to try and learn from things I used to not understand. Or maybe just to talk it through and let it go. Sometimes I write these things and I delete them instead. Perhaps I should do that with this one too. but for now, I'll leave it up.

bugs and marriage

I love Biology, it's something fun to read and learn about things like beetles who hide in termite mounds by using thier butts as disguse, or the infamous Cukoo bird, who imitates the baby of it's unfortunate new parents. Camouflage, pretending to be what you are not. I see this sometimes in the human world too. We are, after all just animals. the girl who pretends to like hockey since the boy she has an eye on likes it. The one who stuffs her bra, to seem more well endowed, why? to catch a man who doesn't like her for her and then be left miserable once she's bonded to him? And often men are guilty of this too, the old " loving the cooking, but tossing it to the dog when she's not looking " things. Why? Why lie, to a miserable means? Is it really all that bad to know what you want and persue it and not to settle for falsehood? For humans there are many options to explore and no one(usually ) is going to eat you if you aren't the right mate. In the animal kingdom there are the unfortunate souls who may even be eaten if they ARE the right one. I like the spider who sneaks up on its girl and tyes her down, to keep her from eating him. Only as soon as he's gone she wiggles right out of the fetters as easy as you please. very funny. SOmetimes us females play this card (no not the BDSM one:P) the poor helpless girl card to find a mate."oh, help me, I can't lift a screwdriver" leaping on the first mechanic or roofer guy who comes along and can tie his own shoes. Nevermind if he's not funny, drinks too much, or is allergic to your 10 dogs, by BOB( sorry I can't even say george anymore with out throwing up a little) he can DO stuff. Don't get me wrong. Im not saying anything bad about roofers or mech's, Love the trade. I'm just using them as an example that popped 1st into my head. I guess what I'm trying to say is Be YOU, do what makes YOU happy. Learn how to do minor repairs yourself, go ahead and take the car to a shop for an oil change, its' cheaper, but don't let princess syndrome become your weapon for finding a guy. I bet once you do things for yourself, and BE yourself, you will eventually find a guy who you like for himself and he will like you back. Then you can go make puppies somwhere, or have coffee, or whatever. And It will be worth the wait whether it's 10 day later or hell 10 yrs. Let go of the steryotype that if you're not married and pregnant by 30 that your life is *gasp* over. look at the red hatters, they are over 50 and living it up, why should you not? Harrison ford, He CERTAINLY isn't looking too shabby, rrow! And he's like 60ish. So live life , don't do drugs, or the mailman....unless you really like him.